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"Not today, Satan. Not today!"

Interesting that I haven't posted in here in over a year and (sadly) I am still dealing with much of the same struggles. I would say I have gotten a lot further in the grief process, which is great. But still have a lot of days where depression & anxiety keep me from truly enjoying life. I hope that a year from now, I will be posting about how I've overcome in this area too. But for now, let me share some thoughts...

The Enemy Is Sneaky

I have some time alone today (which doesn't happen much), so my mind has time to process things more clearly. I have been praying recently for God to - once again - help me with my self-talk. When I was having weight loss success in 2011, my self-talk was amazing. I didn't tolerate condemnation.  Or guilt. Or self-hatred. I was all about grace and love and encouragement to myself. Just like the weight has all come back on, so has my horrible self-talk. And it's kind of shocking when you realize just how off-track you've gotte…
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RISE!

March 2017. I'm declaring it's my time to RISE! I was truly listening to the words to this song the other day, and it hit me how much I can relate right now!
"But something inside, you can't deny. You hear the call of your Creator. I made you for more, unlock the door. I wanna restore your glory. So, RISE! Breaking the dark, piercing the night, you're made to SHINE! An army of hope bringing the world a radiant light. A radiant light. You were made to RISE!" I have been stuck. So, so stuck. Grief combined with depression combined with self-loathing. It's been a deep, dark mire I've been stuck in for a while. I decided a bit ago that I've had enough of it. No more. So, for Lent, I'm trying to give up negative self-talk. I know that's not something I can just completely get freedom from - but it's amazing how much less I struggle with it once I made the decision to let it go. With the Lord's help, you begin to recognize it so much mo…

Good, Good Father

It's the 22nd of July, and life - for all practical purposes - is in our full normal. Travel basketball season is coming to an end. Summer is just over halfway through. Family vacations are just around the corner.

Yet, really, life isn't normal. Not the old normal. If it were, I'd be able to stop in at my parents' on a weekday morning and find my Dad enjoying the Price is Right. Or he'd be sitting in his lawnchair in the garage watching the cars go by. I'd sometimes get his voice on the other end of the line when I called their number.

Most days, my grief has come to a place where I can think of and talk about him with no tears. But some days - like today - it feels so incredibly raw once again.

It doesn't help that I've had dreams about him the last two days. Or that we keep singing "Good Father" in church (Seriously - it even got one of the pre-schoolers in our VBS group bawling last night. Can we stop singing that song soon, please?! No, I&…

New Normal

I'm blogging today because my heart hurts. It was 8 weeks ago yesterday that Dad took his last breath (1/6/16). I've noticed lately that my grief strikes me more frequently again. And when it does, it hits hard. Dave and I created a slideshow of Dad's life - which was a complete labor of love. We began work on it long before Dad entered Hospice - trying to be ready for when the time came. Even though it was time-consuming...I'm so thankful we made it. It's been such a blessing. First, to be able to share it with others. But now, to be able to watch. To remember. To see him. (Click here to watch.)

For several days I've been wanting to watch the slideshow again. But, because I was never alone, I kept putting it off. Putting off the emotions. The tears. Knowing that as soon as I hit play, those tears were going to flood. But just now - while the kids are gone to PTC and it's just me and the dog - I watched it. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And I'…

Saying Goodbye

Life is rather surreal right now. Hard to believe this moment is actually here: my Dad is dying.

Even though his quality of life has been diminishing over the last year or so, it's still hard to grasp that we're actually in this place. Hospice care. Hospital bed in my parents' living room. Trying to figure out how to let him go. Just 10 days ago he was still walking to the bathroom. Eating. Taking his breathing treatments. Taking all his meds. Interacting with life.  Living the best version of his 85-year-old self. And seemingly overnight - things changed. It's like he just got tired of it all. He just didn't have the energy to do this one. more. year.

When Mom and I walked into his hospital room on December 4th - he was angry. Agitated. "Done with this." And so, since then, we've been learning how to say Goodbye. Learning how to give him the best quality of life at home that he can have in the time he has left. Learning how to let him go. Husband of …

Getting Back On Track

Haven't written a post since November, and I'm kind of chuckling to myself as I read what that post was about. It was ALL about handling "busy." So how'd I do??

FAIL!

This past school year was a real struggle for me. It was one of those years where I constantly questioned whether ANYTHING I was doing was right. Every aspect of my life felt out. of. control.

Due to the level of busy and my introverted self never getting time to re-charge - my emotional eating kicked back into HIGH gear. My desire to exercise and eat right went out the window. And now, here I am. Trying to let go of the shame and the guilt and the depression and trying to get my health journey back on track. And so...I must write.

Weight Loss is ALL in Your Head

Yes, you read that right. I'm here to tell you with 100% confidence - you'll never lose weight if you don't have your head on straight. Never.

Now, of course, the WAY in which we choose to lose weight is important. And, I'm a…

God's Time

So, I don't like to busy. Not anymore than anyone else, I'm sure. Actually - I probably like to be busy slightly LESS than the average person in my life. I'm content with slow-paced, hanging out at home, just chillin'. Well, as you probably imagined, that's not something I normally get. But this isn't a post about how busy I am. Or how much less busy I wish I were.

This is a post about all the posts I'm seeing on Facebook about how "sinful it is to be busy" or "how to stop being busy" or any of the posts claiming to know everything about how busy (or non-busy) each of us should be.

Blech.

I'm tired of the whole conversation.

Here's the conversation I've been having - and one I think all those online bloggers ought to be asking their readers to have too: "OK, Lord. Is our family honoring You through the use of our time? Are we finding the right balance for our household? Is what we're choosing to spend our time on wis…