Monday, June 23, 2014

When the Wheels Fall Off...

The wheels have fallen off my weight loss wagon. I mean - there is not one part of one single wheel still there. It's time to re-build the wheels and get this wagon moving in the right direction again. But I seem to have lost site of the road map. Plus there appears to be a very large boulder right in my path - a mini mountain even. I know there is open road ahead. I just can't seem to get this wagon back on the move. I'm stuck. Completely.

Sigh.

After losing 60 pounds in 2011 - I sit here today with 30 of them shamefully put back on. I'm back to the bad tapes running in my head. I'm back to despising every ounce I see (and feel). I'm in a bad, bad place. It's time to reach out for some moral support from others who can relate.

Honestly, I know exactly what did me in. This last school year was THE most un-enjoyable school year we've had in this house. My emotional eating kicked back into gear maybe only two months into the school year. Then - you add in the worst Michigan winter in any one's memory. I hate winter. I hate being cold. I hate never seeing sunshine. Cue emotional eating to go into double over-time. It wasn't pretty.

Exercising has taken a hiatus. All the positive things I was doing in 2011 seem to be a distant memory. It's as if that person that was having success back then was just a figment of my imagination. I can't remember her. I'm afraid she's lost - never to return.

The most upsetting part of all of this is that I KNOW exactly what to do. I have all the tools. I have everything I need. Except my head. It's not where it needs to be. And I just can't seem to get it there. I'm weary. So weary.

Four years ago (actually October of 2010), it was literally as if a switch had been clicked in my brain. Suddenly all my old excuses flew out the window and I was a woman on a mission. Nothing was going to keep me from exercising...and nothing was going to keep me from eating right. I saw results. I felt good about myself for the first time in my life.

I want that to happen again.

The guilt and shame of gaining back weight drags me down further and further into the pit. The busy-ness of our day-to-day lives makes it easy to put myself on the bottom of the totem pole. Dave and the kids and the house and the groceries and the bills and the....

Yep. They all come first. There's nothing left for me.

So I write this post hoping that somewhere out there is someone else who's stuck where I am. That we can join together and encourage one another. Be in the Word together. Hold each other accountable. Lift each other up out of these ugly pits we're stuck in.

And if you're not there - but you want to lift me up in prayer...that would be great too.