Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Real Truth

I'm no longer sharing my blog updates on Facebook. So - if you've stumbled across this...you must really be a true friend. :-) I hope to get on here more frequently to share my latest thoughts. But I really prefer that no one reads them. Unlike most bloggers, I just want to use this site as a means to save my ramblings for the future. Keeps them from getting lost in the piles on my desk, you know. 

Speaking of which...

I'm sitting here typing away at my cluttered desk on a gorgeous sunny fall Sunday afternoon. It's the "Fall Back" Sunday - so I'm remarkably refreshed (how can one little hour have that big of an effect?!). The washing machine and dryer are busy. The kids and Dave are each otherwise entertained. I have some rare moments of "down time". Well, not really. I have lots of other things to still be doing. But I'm proclaiming this moment as one worth sharing what's on my mind. 

If you were to ask me how I'm feeling lately - as is probably the case with everyone - my answer doesn't truly reflect what's on my mind. Wand to know how I truly am? Something like this:
I'm feeling overwhelmed with my homeschool Mom title right now. I'm pretty much convinced I'm screwing up the kids by being their teacher. But I don't want to send them to public school. And we can't afford Christian school. But I really want the twins to have a more school-like environment for high school. So, even though Dave tells me not to - I'm already thinking ahead to next year and trying to figure out which one-day homeschool program to have them in. Which, I think I have figured out. Which is good. But there's still this school year. And I already feel like it's a disaster because we can't stay on schedule and I'm tired of never getting everything done I say we're going to. So I'm already feeling defeated and that the kids are going to be screwed up because their Mom couldn't get her act together. Then, there's the fact that I not only don't seem to be doing this homeschool Mom thing very well, but I'm also completely angry with myself that I've gained back 30 of the pounds I lost and I can't seem to get myself back on the weight loss track. (Can we say "Emotional Eater"?!?!) So I have MAJOR self-loathing again, which I know is absolutely NO help. But no matter what I do I can't seem to string enough good days together to re-form a habit...so the calendar is just clicking away and I'm not losing weight and I HATE looking in the mirror and feeling how I feel. And then there's the fact that my Shaklee business requires more time of me than what I know how to give it. Because I already am spread too thin being a homeschooler and taxi cab driver for the kids. And my parents will be heading to Florida soon which always throws me for a loop. And the fact that they're aging and I don't know how much more time I have with them...but yet I can't seem to spend as much time with them as I want because I'm so busy all the time and not carrying my weight on everything I have to do at my house let alone trying to help them do more at their house - that weighs heavy on my mind every day! 

Can you relate?! When people ask me how I am, I'll obviously NEVER answer with this. But - depending on how crazy that day is feeling - that's probably what I'm really thinking. Of course - all anyone really wants to hear (or has time to hear) is that we're "good". That's part of why I wonder why that is the question we open with. Why are we asking something probably none of us really wants to know? I mean - if I'm rushing past you and saying hello to be friendly...when I throw on the "how are you" question, it's not that I actually have time to stop and hear how you REALLY are. Right? I know that. And, really, it's not that I'm not good. I am. I mean, I'm blessed beyond measure. And you probably are more "good" than anything too - right? This question and its expected answers - they're just part of social "niceness". Same with social media. That's all we really want to hear - everyone's funny stories and cute updates. Don't get too real. That's just a downer. And, really, who has time for that?! (Sarcasm intended.)

But what's really true in the middle of all of this? God knows. And He cares. And He wants to carry all our burdens & anxieties and give us a fresh start. He's 100% on our side. Loving us. Directing us. Rooting for us. He knows what's on our heart better than anyone. And He's also got every single detail of our crazy life all figured out.

Praise God! We don't have to know it all - we just have to know the One who does.

So, I know we have to keep asking each other how we are. (And, I also know "good" is really the only acceptable answer.)  But - if you and I schedule a coffee date  - I'll gladly hear how you really are. And then we'll share some laughter and encouragement too. 'Cuz you know - we're not supposed to go through this journey all alone. Let's get off Facebook...and meet each other at Biggby. :-)

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