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"Not today, Satan. Not today!"

Interesting that I haven't posted in here in over a year and (sadly) I am still dealing with much of the same struggles. I would say I have gotten a lot further in the grief process, which is great. But still have a lot of days where depression & anxiety keep me from truly enjoying life. I hope that a year from now, I will be posting about how I've overcome in this area too. But for now, let me share some thoughts...

The Enemy Is Sneaky

I have some time alone today (which doesn't happen much), so my mind has time to process things more clearly. I have been praying recently for God to - once again - help me with my self-talk. When I was having weight loss success in 2011, my self-talk was amazing. I didn't tolerate condemnation.  Or guilt. Or self-hatred. I was all about grace and love and encouragement to myself. Just like the weight has all come back on, so has my horrible self-talk. And it's kind of shocking when you realize just how off-track you've gotten. The enemy loves it when I'm right where I am right now. I am my own worst enemy. I am doing his dirty work for him, and keeping myself from being fully used by God. I know the enemy is a liar. I know that's what his name means. And I know that he wants nothing more than for me to keep being stuck in this pit. And yet, I fall for his deceptions day after day after day.

Our God loves us though. And He wants nothing more than for us to live our lives abundantly. So it should come as no shock that if we ask Him to open our eyes to the lies of the devil, He does! He wants us FREE! So here I am, just kind of in dumb-founded shock of how far off the "abundantly free" path my head has gotten. I remember in the fall of 2010, when I started "Made to Crave", it was like the switch in my brain literally just switched. And suddenly, making healthy choices was almost easy. I'm choosing to believe I'm back there again. God has opened my eyes once again wide and clear. I see all the ways I have been falling for the enemy's lies. All the ways I am not living abundantly because of it. It's time once again to stand up and say, "No more, devil! I am not falling for your lies anymore!"

Food is My Drug

Life has been stressful for a while now. Aging parents. Losing my Dad. Homeschooling. Year-round kids' activities. Moving. Financial worries. Friends hurting my feelings. Feeling alone. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling ugly. Feeling worthless.

The list could go on.

And when I feel the intensity of ANY emotion (good or bad), I turn to food. It calms me. Makes me feel better when I'm down. Accentuates my joy when I'm happy. You name the emotion, food is my drug.

It's so hard when this is your reality. Unlike someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol or gambling or can't just give up food. Your body needs it to live.

I kind of resent that at times. Why, of all the struggles in the world, does mine have to be the one thing you can't just walk away from?! I am far from having a healthy grasp on this reality. I am still in the "this isn't fair" stage. Just praying for God to change my relationship with food. For it to become less about the taste and more about the fuel. Less about the indulgence, and more about the satisfying a need.

I know that when I was successful 7 years ago, I had this mentality that - once I lost the weight - I could eat "x,y,z" again. But that's part of the problem. I lost a good chunk of the weight (50 of the 75 pounds I was hoping for) and then let down my guard. I told myself I "deserved" to eat that. I "deserved" to relax my workouts. I "deserved" blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, well guess what?! I DESERVE to have energy and mobility and strength. I DESERVE to feel good in my skin. I DESERVE to live a long, healthy life with my husband, kids, and future grandkids. I DESERVE a whole lot more than just whatever is on that plate. I DESERVE freedom!

It's Time To Put Me First

It's nothing new, but this is where I'm at. I can't take care of anyone else, if I have nothing to give. And right now, I'm running on empty. I have to be a little selfish the rest of 2018. I have to get my tank filled back up so I can give the best of me to others. I am still figuring out what this looks like. What I say yes to, what I say no to "for now". Putting me first isn't what comes naturally. And maybe it's part of why God moved us out here in the middle of the country. Maybe it's why my trust in others keeps getting broken. Maybe it's because it's time to make this all about me and God. Get my head on straight. Get the scale moving in the right direction again. Enjoy the few true friends I have. Enjoy my family. Enjoy this moment in time to the fullest. It's time to live victoriously, and that starts with putting me first.

Some day, I will share all the fun things happening in our family. Use this as a place to journal all of Luke's recruitment. All of Mikayla's college decisions. All of Hannah's dreams and goals. But this post today is just to help re-focus. To be able to look back in a few months and appreciate how far I will have come. This right here isn't rock bottom, but it's pretty darn close. And it's time to ignore the enemy and choose each day to believe my heavenly Father instead.

May I be able to rise every morning from now until I reach my goal weight and say, "Not today, Satan. Not today."


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