Dreams

Living in the midst of tremendous blessings...yet still occasionally struggling with jealousy? Yep. I go there sometimes. It's almost comical to me that - at age 42 - I can still struggle with many of the same insecurities that plagued me as a child. You know that feeling? The frustrating part of it all is that I don't ever want to be ungrateful for the MANY blessings in my life. Yet sometimes...even though I'm loving being a homeschool Mom and having my days filled with all that entails - I still have those brief moments of wondering "When do I get to pursue MY dreams?". Yuck. That sounds so immature.

I suppose this is what many of us feel when we get to be in our 40's. We remember all those dreams we had as a child and begin to feel badly for those left unfulfilled. 

Here were my biggest childhood dreams: 

• Become a wife/mom (check!)
• Be famous

:-) You'll notice that my "be famous" part was pretty non-specific. The mode to that "fame" has been regularly modified over the years. Most recently, I've dreamt of that fame coming via writing/speaking. And it's that unfulfilled dream that sprouts its ugly, jealous head at random moments. 

Here's the thing though: would I want to give up these years of homeschooling in order to pursue my dream full-time? That answer is a loud and boisterous "NO!". 

I LOOOOVVVVEEEE being a homeschool Mom. Some days more than others...but I love it. I know that my kids are growing up tremendously fast and that I need to work really hard to live in the moment and savor all these experiences with them while they're home. Life is full. It is busy. It is exhausting. But it's exactly where I believe I'm called to be. 

So why the jealousy? Because I see others getting to fulfill their dreams TODAY. I think (like a little child not getting their way) - "Why, Lord? Why do I have to keep my dreams on the back burner while they don't?". Then I have my two-minute pity party and hear the sweet voice of my Savior remind me - "Because now's not your time." 

And, I know that. 

And, I'm (mostly) OK with that. 

I know that life is all about phases. Not that long ago I was feeling stuck in the exhausting pre-school years phase. While I was in it, I wondered how I'd ever make it through with my sanity. Well, I did (I think). Now I'm soon to enter the teen years. I'm sure it will be rough. But it too is a phase. And one that we'll fly through all too quickly. Before I care to think about it, our three precious kids will be all grown up and moving out. I don't want that day to get here too soon.

Yet...that's the phase my dream will finally get to have its turn in the forefront. To get excited about pursuing my dream means to embrace the changes ahead. And I'm not ready for that yet. Oh sure, there are those who do it all. But, I know my limits. I know I can't be a good homeschool Mom and take care of all the responsibilities of being a wife/homemaker and also work on my dream. My plate is pretty full already - and, I'm sure, it's just not the same size plate as some of those who are making it all happen at the same time. 

So, once again, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to be right here. Right now. 

How about you? Are you where you'd imagine you'd be right now? Do you have some big dreams that you're still itching to pursue? Let's encourage one another to remember the brevity of life. The quickness of each phase. May we each live fully in the here and now...and know that (when the timing is right) ALL things are possible.