I think I'm finally starting to grow up. No, not that I'm really immature (I think I've always acted older than I was...maybe a whole other issue I need to work on). I think I'm finally starting to achieve a mild amount of spiritual maturity! Now, God might disagree, but here's why I say this. I am finally getting to the place in my life where I care more about what God thinks of me, than I do about what others think of me. For me, this is huge.
I've spent most of my 38 years caring about what everyone around me is thinking. Never feeling like I fit in anywhere but wanting to fit in everywhere. Can you relate at all? I have always been super-sensitive to the opinions of others. Even if the message others were sending wasn't directed right at me, I took it personally if the intended recipient had any similarities to me. Like if someone was making fun of some overweight person, every word they said about that person I knew they must also be thinking about me since I was overweight too. Or if I heard someone (probably in high school) making fun of someone for the clothes they wore, I knew they must say that about me when I wasn't in the room because my clothes came from the same store. See what I mean? Can you imagine how living like this has caused an immense amount of hurt and insecurity over my life? Well thank you Lord that He's starting to teach me how to not care about all of this. Oh, but it "ain't easy" my friend. Not easy at all.
I know God's been working on my heart in this area for years. And I've really been trying to hear His Truth and ignore the lies for years too. But it's only been in the fairly recent past that I am feeling like I'm finally outgrowing this horrible "stage". I am trying to figure out what the turning point was...both so I can apply it to other areas of my life and so I can help someone else who might be struggling with the same thing. One reason is I think I finally got my feelings hurt enough times that I stopped "going back for more." Know what I mean? It's like when you spend so much time hoping for approval and acceptance from others, and then you realize that even the people in your life who approve of and accept you 100% still let you down and hurt your feelings...you start to realize that there's not much point in leaning your ladder against the tree of others. Not that I've become cynical, mind you. I just think I'm finally comfortable enough in my own skin that I am not going to be dependent upon what others think of me.
And the other key thing here is that I realized that if my #1 goal in life is to live to honor and glorify the King of Kings...and if sometimes doing what brings glory to Him might not be the most "popular" thing to do...then why am I trying to be "popular"?! It seems so obvious now, doesn't it? I think after so many years of wanting to have lots of friends and be liked by everyone (and in turn being constantly let down and left out), God finally got me to realize that it was His way of getting my focus put primarily on Him. God has promised to "never leave me or forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5). Well I've certainly felt left and forsaken by a fair number of people over the years. Some of them were intentional (they just didn't like me) and many times I believe it was unintentional (they were just human and the inevitable happened). But Who is it in my life that has never once left my side? Why God of course.
So have I really gotten to the point of not caring, or am I just saying that? I believe I'm FINALLY getting there. Most days, when my focus is in the right place (God's Word), I believe I'm there. The days I feel those pangs of "feeling left outis" or "why isn't my phone ringing-itis", I know it's because I've once again fallen into the trap of wanting approval and acceptance from others instead of finding my self-worth in God.
Our pastor has often said that what we do in moderation, our children will do in excess. That can be both good and bad (depends on what your habits are). Well this is one area that I'm really hoping my kids can take what lessons I'm learning now and apply them at a young age. Both Dave and I have struggled our whole lives with this issue of acceptance and self-worth. I really hope that our kids learn this valuable lesson of finding their worth in God's eyes now. I pray I can speak blessing into their lives of how much God loves them and values them. Of how much WE love them and value them. That they will be so in love with the Lord and confident of who they are in Him...that they won't care if everyone around them isn't supporting them 100%.
So I put a picture from our wedding day on this post, because I think that is the one day in my life where I have felt the most acceptance from others. I felt like a princess that day. I was so excited to be living every moment of that day and excited for every moment Dave and I would share from that point forward. Feeling like a princess that day because my new husband was making me feel that way. Feeling loved and accepted by so many others and all the attention the bride gets on her special day. And guess what else? Looking back now I can see that my Prince of Peace, wants me to feel that way every day. He wanted me to know that day what it's like to not only be the daughter of the King, but what it feels like to be the bride of Christ! And when my focus is on Him...I do! I truly do. That's what makes it easy to be secure in my skin, regardless of what others around me think.
So even though there is a part of me that still loves to feel included (I mean, who doesn't?), I can truly say that the times I feel "left-out" happen much less often. Because I know I'm accepted and loved by my Father, and (most days) my husband and children think I'm pretty awesome too. Now if only I can conquer my negative self-talk...
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